ODE TO PUPPIES

    • Chewed up underwear/feminine hygiene products/poop from the backyard is NOT a "toy" to be offered to guests.
    • I am not an alarm clock. The human does *not* need to be woken at the same time *every* day.
    • I do not have to mark my human's car as my territory.
    • I do not need to dribble my last drink of toilet water all over Mommy's bed.
    • I do not need to soak my Vermont Chewman toys in the toilet.
    • I understand that while I think it's great fun to drop my rope/ball/bone in the toilet while Daddy or a male guest is using it, Daddy doesn't like it and will fuss at me.
    • I will not assume the reflection from Mom's hand-held makeup mirror is an intruder and try to attack it.
    • I will not bowl Mom over and run into the house before she bends over to wipe all my muddy paws.
    • I will not bury my gooey chewy in my Mommy and Daddy's bed.
    • I will not carry my Chewman by the crotch. It makes male guests nervous. Especially when the female guests begin to chuckle.
    • I will not chew my chew hoof under the middle of Mom and Dad's king sized bed at 2 a.m.
    • I will not curl up in the basket while Mommy is trying to fold the laundry.
    • I will not dig to China through *anybody's* garden.
    • I will not do the "dog sled" (drag my behind) across the carpet while guests are present.
    • I will not drink sloppily from my water bowl and then run up to Mommy to give her a big wet kiss.
    • I will not drool over the computer keyboard while my human is out of the room getting a beer.
    • I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.
    • I will not empty my glands while we are all in bed under the covers at 6 am
    • I will not expose myself to female visitors.
    • I will not get in the dryer and steal all the clean underwear to make sure it is really clean.
    • I will not go and lick, sniff, or disturb Mommy/Daddy while they are sitting on the toilet.
    • I will not hide Mom's slippers any more.
    • I will not insist on getting under the covers, staying under them ten minutes, then come rushing out because I'm too hot.
    • I will not jump into bed, flatten my ears, lick Dad's face and look searchingly into his eyes to see if Mom has permanently damaged him immediately following Mom and Dad doing their thing.
    • I will not jump on guests and boink them in the groin with my nose.
    • I will not jump on the bed and wash Dad's pillow anymore.
    • I will not leave balls on the stairs.
    • I will not lick Mom's toes while Mom and Dad are doing their thing.